Fringeville #208: A NEW FEATURE! ...AND A DOUBLE-DOUBLE SHOT-SHOT

Tonight is the debut of “Ask the Fringe” here at Fringeville. The advice is absolutely free, and hence very likely useless. But it was doing this or a feature on politics.

The first and mercifully only question this week is from Bert in Cumberland County, who doesn’t want his last name released so that customers of his bait shop, located across from the Taco Bell on SR9999 and next to Lou’s Quality Used Cars, are unaware of the embarrassing situation he finds himself in.

Confidentiality rules on Fringeville.

Dear sir:

I am in a romantic pickle with my wife. I’m writing you because my buddy Roy said the French know a lot about romance. He told me about this “Ask the French” column, so I packaged up a bunch of bait, closed up the shop, and sat down to email you my plea for help.

Bessie and I have our 50^th wedding anniversary coming up in two weeks. We started dating in high school, and we’ve never been separated from each other by more than a day (fishing, hunting, golfing trips and a dozen or so gambling cruises excepted.)

I was sitting down for a fine meal of her sloppy Joe’s (she kicks ‘em up with diced jalapenos, and that’s two days of the runs but lord they’re good) and I says to her, “Bess, the 50^th anniversary is coming up. What do you want?”

Now I figured, maybe a new dishwasher or washing machine with a nice dinner out at Perkins. Good turkey dinner there. Lots of mashed potatoes, and they’ll put the gravy on the side if you ask.

Well, she looks at me and she says, “You know what I want, Bert? After fifty years, I want you to find my clitoris.”

Well, son, I damned near fell off’n the chair. But I kept my calm and promised her I would.

After dinner, I flat-out panicked. I obviously lost the thing long ago, and after half a century the sumbitch, whatever it is, could be anywhere. We’ve also moved twice, so good luck if it’s in the old house on Maple because that got leveled for a parking lot. We had that cute apartment on Main street but it burned down when that blimp hit it. There’s a damned tattoo joint there now.

Well I looked everywhere. Her jewelry box. My tool box. All the drawers in the kitchen (found my good pair of vice grips). I went through every box in the attic and cellar. I even emptied out the medicine cabinet. Found an old bottle of Mercurochrome, Lavoris, but no clitoris.

Well, now I needed one and I don’t even know where to get them. I called her best friend, Babs, and asked if she could help me get one. She shrieked and hung up on me. That’s when I realized it must be some really personal woman thing.

The only place I could think of that might help me was the drugstore downtown. I walked up to the counter and told the fellow I wanted a clitoris.

He leaned in close and said, “So do I.”

He gets out his wallet, gives me a doctor’s card and says, “She’s the best. She’s giving me one.”

Well, I called this doctor after the Phillies game on Monday and she starts off right away by telling me I’d need surgery. She started to go into details, and I hung right up. This woman is a psychopath, and that fellow at the drugstore needs to be warned. I’m fixing to do that tomorrow after I stock the shelf with fishing line.

Well, anyway, and sorry for the rambling, but can you help me find one of these things?

I am desperate, and you’re my last hope.

--Bert

Dear Bert:

Two things.

First, this feature is “Ask the Fringe” not “Ask the French.”

Next, I’m not qualified. I’ve been told a number of times I can’t find the damned thing either.

Good luck.

Jimbo

(Editor’s notes. Future “Ask the Fringe” columns are cancelled, largely because the columnist is a nincompoop.)

* * *

I’m easing back into posting as the busiest part of my summer ends. To celebrate, I’m having a double-double-shot-shot.

No, it’s not a beverage that will knock me on my backside. It’s four videos from my favorite band, The Beatles.

I discovered them late in their career. I really didn’t pay a lot of attention to their early work until years later. My loss.

How good was the old stuff?

There’s a great scene in The Sopranos " episode "A Hit Is a Hit" where a band Christopher is pushing, "Visiting Day," is recording a demo. Their song sucks. The guy at the mixing board gives Christopher a free lesson on song structure using She Loves You as an example. (Someone on that writing team was a huge Beatles fan.)

Enjoy.

* * *

If I Fell

Mark Williams and I recorded a version of this back when I could still sing. It’s a truly lovely song, and it was a sign of the genius to come. You don’t hear it these days, but someone ought to take a shot at it.

* * *

I Feel Fine

A big deal was made at the time of the feedback that starts this one. It still has that early Beatles sound and structure, but they were clearly growing.

* * *

We Can Work It Out

 

This is a mid-career piece that really showed how far they’d come in a few short years.

* * *

Lastly, I’m going back to the big hit that started it all in Britain: Please Please Me.

At the time The Beatles biggest achievement was Love Me Do, which cracked the bottom third of the top twenty in the UK (and didn’t even have Ringo on the drums).

They were pitched “How Do You Do It” and told it would be a number one hit.

The boys weren’t impressed (John Lennon thought the song was ‘crap’ and would get them labeled as sellouts).

They promised to come back with something better.

 

That’s the definition of having balls, folks. (How Do You Do It would, in fact, hit number one… for Gerry and the Pacemakers.)

The Beatles did come back with something better: Please Please Me. The rest is history.

How powerful was this song?  The version here is from Paul McCartney’s 2006 tour. Watch the crowd. Some of these folks were babies (or not even born) when the song originally came out. And they smile. And sing along. Perhaps you’ll do the same.

* * *

...Be good to each other.

* * *