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Thursday, February 11, 2016

Fringeville #145 - Fat Tuesday Horror

Scranton, PA

A local government office was briefly locked down Tuesday morning when workers called 911 to report possible shots fired.

"Several loud pops were heard, and what appeared to be bullet holes were seen on the walls," said a supervisor.

After a thorough investigation, gunshots were ruled out.

"It was Fat Tuesday," said a spokesman for Sheriff's office. "There was a huge spread of food in a conference room and apparently one idiot employee overindulged. Massively. He suffered button failure after eating a 16th slice of chicken wing pizza."

"His trouser button went first," said an injured employee. "It hit me in the forehead, then ricocheted and took out the coffee machine. Hey, I could have lost an eye."

Six shirt buttons broke loose next, sending staff scattering for cover.

The employee who experienced the wardrobe malfunction was immediately put on a diet. His name was withheld, but our photographer took a picture of the near-catatonic, calorie-gorged staffer shortly before he was whisked away to a rehab center.

Chicken Wing Pizza Overdose Victim Idiot

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Fringeville #143 - Missing Blog Post

Governor Wolf's office informed me that I had a missing blog post. Post #143 failed to post sometime last month. The governor wants it on the blog immediately so when he figures out how to tax blogs, all my posts will be in one handy place for the taxman.

Here, without further delay, is Fringeville #143

Meanwhile, during this time of deep personal introspection, some Jackson Browne.

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Friday, January 22, 2016

Fringeville #144 - Avoca Terrorists Defeated by Traffic Circles

Avoca, Pennsylvania

A potentially catastrophic terrorist airport attack was thwarted yesterday in Avoca, Pennsylvania, when a series of mind-numbing traffic circles exasperated the ISIS terrorists.

The terrorists were taken into custody by local police when their black Ford Econoline van ran out of gas after 16 hours of running the traffic circle gauntlet in vain.

"It was very bad," mumbled an exhausted, handcuffed terrorist to this reporter. "We wanted to attack the airport. Achmed, he came off 81, and we hit first circle. We go  around and around. Then there was another. And another. Somehow we are back on 81 and Achmed had to turn around. We come off the ramp, and the infidel circles were waiting for us. Around. Around. Around. All day. Around. Around. Around. We get so dizzy. Then, no gas. Allah be praised, we are safely in custody and away from the three circles of hell."

Area residents were outraged.

"Those terrorist bastards," said Main Street, Avoca resident Amos Behaven. "All those friggin' explosives, and the circles are still standing. Dumbasses."

Attempts to reach the FBI agent assigned to the case failed, as he was still navigating the traffic circles in an apparently vain attempt to reach the crime scene.

Anti-terrorist traffic circles. Photo via WNEP.

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