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Sunday, January 19, 2014

Fringeville #99, January 19 2014


Sticker Shock
Holy Sh*t...

My wife has been working late shifts for months. I've been doing a lot of the shopping. She's on a new shift, and gets out in the early evening. That means she's back to a normal sleep schedule, so we can actually go to the store together.

Last evening we went to Wally World in Pittston Township. As we went up and down the aisles, this was the mantra escaping my beloved's lips:

"Holy Sh*T! Look at the price on this!"

"Holy Sh*t! The cheese we buy has gone through the roof!"

"Holy Sh*t!" Look at the bacon prices! It'd be cheaper to buy the pig!" 


The only genuine bargain we found was Eight O'Clock Columbian coffee K-Cups, the elixir of the gods-too-lazy-to-grind-beans-at-six-AM.

The really bad news is that price-wise it's even worse in other stores.

So where do we shop?

Ranked by preference (meaning we actually enjoy the overall experience), we do the bulk of our shopping at Schiel's in Parsons. The service is excellent (I hate lines).
None of our other stores match Schiels on getting you through the line quickly. The prices and quality are good, and it is also closest to where I work.

Next on the preference totem pole is Weis Market on River Street in Plains. Like Schiels, good prices and quality. Schiels gets the edge because it is usually next to impossible to get out of Weiss quickly. There are just a handful of checkouts and they're not all manned.

Price Chopper would get more business from us if they were closer, but they refuse to move the store. Their selection and quality is great, it's just their location relative to our abode.

Wegmans is heaven for selection and quality ...I could live out my life in their olive bar ...but the prices are too steep and the crowds are unnerving.

Wally World is reserved for odds and ends and things we just can't get cheaper. It is always the worst possible experience. There are 60 bajillion checkouts, and maybe three or four manned at any given time. Kind of like going to the bank these days. Lotsa people, lots of lines, zero service. And Wally World either has chimpanzees stocking their eggs or they use the egg display for bazooka practice. But Wally World is generally the cheapest and they tend to save us trips out for other things totally unrelated to grocery purchases.

Now if I rank these stores by where we actually spent the most, the batting order is: Schiels (46%), Wally World (26%), Weiss (23%), Price Chopper (4%) and finally Wegmans (1%). I've got to say, that was a surprise to me, because we don't make that many trips to Wally World. But when we do, we spend. When the cheapest place, where we spend more than 1-in-4 food dollars, elicits sticker shock from my wife, this can't be good news for the overall state of the economy.

It's the inflation that isn't happening and it is the inevitable and predictable result of printing money out of thin air while vastly increasing national debt. Mix in the myriad and rising taxes at all levels of government, the falling actual wages, and we've got what some call the deliberate destruction of the American middle class.


I think it is far, far simpler: We have a vast and growing government that is utterly incompetent, hopelessly corrupt, and completely out of touch with the people they serve. A government which believes, perhaps correctly, that we serve them because we certainly vote that way.

Whatever the cause, here is the cry we're all going to hear going forward from the shoppers of America: "Holy Sh*t! Look at the price of the toilet paper. Time to stop mulching and use the leaves!"

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Friday, January 17, 2014

Fringeville #98, January 17 2014


Yes, the Almighty has a sense of humor...

Recently, God pranked me.

Seriously.

He even let me know something was coming. Of course, being the Almighty and all, there was no way I'd guess what He had in store.

It happened at Mass earlier this month. I was on Eucharistic Minister duty, but it turns out I was also on His prank list because I'd missed some Masses. (One because I apparently don't know how to read a schedule, others because I'm pigheaded about some things and that's all I'll say about that.)

As I dressed in my white robe for duty, I had a sense of foreboding. Something was  going to happen, I was sure of it. 

But what?

Would I drop a host (done that before).

Would I knock something off the altar and watch in horror as it clanged, banged and bounced across the marble floor (done that twice).

Would I trip and fall flat on my face, sending Communion Hosts skittering all across the floor (not yet, but it is inevitable).

I said to one of the other Eucharistic Ministers: "...I'm due for some small catastrophe. Whatever happens, just yell out, '...yeah, I remember MY first beer.'"

But Mass went without a hitch. Flawless in fact. When I was finally back in my pew to await the recessional, I let out a deep breath. The music started. We left our pew and lined up behind Monsignor, bowed, then turned around to start the march to the back of the church.

Which is, of course, when God pranked me in front of the entire congregation.

I was about to take a step when one of my comrades tugged my elbow and pointed down.

We wear rope belts around our waists and moments before, when bowing, mine had fallen off and was tangled up in my feet.

So there I was, with everyone watching, trying to gracefully bend down and pull up my belt while hopping pathetically down the aisle. I caught the eye of a woman in a pew and stammered: "...yeah, looks like that diet is working for me."

I swear I could hear the Almighty laughing. He's good. The ultimate prankster. I mean, how else do you explain armadillos, porcupines, or Dennis Rodman?

At least He didn't let me trip ...so I did receive a small measure of mercy.

But I'm going to be on edge for a while. I don't think he's done with me...

* * *

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Fringeville #97, January 14 2014


Labor Farce

The vanishing American Worker
As bad as the trend has been since 2009, what is even more unsettling to me is how many people in that horrible number in the lower right-hand corner are working two, three or more jobs to prop up the rest of the country.

You can, if you wish, spend all kinds of time tossing blame back and forth between this President or that. If it makes you feel better.  If you think it will matter one damned bit.It won't.

Whatever the hell it is we think we're doing, it ain't working kids. I said more than once in 2010 that we were in a depression. I still believe that. Maybe it's a little baby depression, not a "great" one, but if we continue shrinking the labor force and enabling long-term dependence we are going to be toast. In fact the bread's in the toaster now, and we're fiddling with the dial: light, medium, dark, or burnt to an inedible crisp.

* * *

Monday, January 13, 2014

Fringeville #96, January 12 2014


The sad state of the typical domestic American male

I'm trying to figure out exactly when it happens: The moment when a man transforms from that perfect creature adored by his woman into a certifiable dumbass.

Is it right after the honeymoon? Probably not. Five years later? Ten?

I don't know, but it creeps up suddenly. One night you go to bed king of the castle and the next day you awaken as the village ...make that domicile ...dumbass.

In my life, here are just a few of the things I did on a limited formal education:

  • Worked as a newspaper correspondent
  • Ran my own business
  • Taught myself programming
  • Taught myself AS400 management
  • Wrote and performed music, even recording a session on local radio.
  • Wrote a novella and a number of short stories.
  • Taught myself basic bookkeeping.
  • Ran for office.
  • Managed a Congressional campaign.

The list goes on. And it's all for naught because most days it is pretty much driven home that I'm a dumbass.

D-U-M-B-A-S-S

It may sound like I'm whining here, but I'm not. This is what happens to all American males at some mysterious point after they tie the knot. Their significant other, who loves them to death, realizes that she's somehow gone and married a dumbass.

I am not unique.

I've done considerable research, and I've found some of the greatest minds in history were, in fact, dumbasses. I've uncovered some diary entries by famous and brilliant men.

Let's review:

Aristotle

Tuesday: I found myself contemplating the nature of the Universe. I have found there to be five elements: Earth, Water, Air ..I must set aside my quill a moment. I have, it seems, left my robe upon the floor and have most stupidly not cleaned river mud from my sandals and have tracked it through the library.

Wednesday: I continue my analysis of the Universe. These are the elements necessary for existence: Earth, Water, Air, Fire and  ...here I once again take my leave. I put the crockery away for Herpyllis this morning, and did not stack them properly. Big ones on the bottom, smaller ones atop those. I just jammed them all in there higgity piggity. Well, one fell and smashed, a gift from her mother, and I will be sleeping on the veranda again.

Thursday: I must write quickly. I've not sorted laundry correctly. The elements are Earth, Water, Air, Fire and the Aether. Oh! She calls! Perhaps there is a sixth element, Nagathium.


* * *

Lincoln

Sunday:  I continue to work on what I feel must be a perfect speech for my trip to Gettysburg. This morning I called my dearest Mary to the study. "My love," I asked, "What sounds sweetest to your ears? '87 years ago' or 'Four score and 7 years ago?' To which she said, "What would sound sweetest to me, dear husband, is the sound of your remembering once ...just friggin' once ...to put the lid down on the toilet."

* * *

Einstein



Monday: I am so close! E=MC ...MC ...drat! Mileva beckons. She found the cigar hole I burned into the sofa.

Tuesday: E=MC. Maybe that's all there is. Just E=MC. I thought I was on the verge of a breakthrough, but Mileva lectured me once again on how to put away her hatboxes. Round ones on the left side of the closet ..or is it the right? I can never remember. She's right. I'm a nincompoop. Anyway, round on one side of the closet, square ones on the other  Not all muddled together. "Squared away," she calls it. Squared. Squared. Hmmm...

* * *


So boys, just accept it. We're dumbasses. But we're in good company. Gotta run ...I put the dishes away wrong again. I've mixed coffee mugs with glasses. Dumbass...


* * *

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Fringeville #95, January 1 2014

It's New Year's Day.

If you're worried I'm going to do a long-winded year-in-review thing, let's put that to rest immediately. It will be short and sweet: three bad, three good and I'll wrap it up.

The Bad:

1) Got my butt kicked in another election. 9th place out of nine contenders. A good and proper slaughter at the polls. Note to self: never tell people exactly what you plan to do if elected.

2) Uninvited house guest in the wee hours. A big-ass dog will deal with this should it happen again. If you come back, plan to leak.

3) More than once, I went a week or more without wings.
 

The Good:

1) New Granddaughter. This alone negates anything in the "Bad" section above.

2) Got to sing on stage again with my old and dear friend Mark Williams. Rumor has it I was mostly on key this time around. Come this summer, I may play the guitar as well. We'll see.

3)  I'm down at last to one brick and mortar full-time job with benefits. I worked two part-time jobs and did a side job bookkeeping until a part-time job transitioned to full-time. There were days I literally didn't know what day it was. But I'd do it again versus collecting  unemployment. I'm one and done with that.

The year ahead...

I'm taking it a day at a time. I'll start each day by wondering what good I might do that day, and end the day asking myself if I achieved it. The Ben Franklin approach. Keep my eye on the little things and the rest will take care of itself.

Ciao for now...

Jimbo

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Fringeville #94, July 4 2013

Get Stuffed for the Holiday
A long time ago, in a blogosphere far, far away I used to post the occasional recipe. I came across this one recently while reviewing old files and decided to make this "Big Ass" sandwich recipe for my niece's July 4 shindig. Here's the recipe from my old website. (Happy July 4, all, and don't blow yourselves up! You'll need all your fingers to eat these.)



Big-Ass (B.A.) Roast Beef-Turkey-Bacon Sub Supreme


This may be the best sandwich you ever sink your teeth into (though getting your mouth around it might be a challenge)! Just because this is a Big-Ass (B.A.) sandwich, however, doesn't mean it's not full of good things. Light food? No ...but you'll be surprised how well some of the "lite" ingredients round out this creation. Looking for a calorie count anyway? Divide a bazillion by two, and you're in the neighborhood.


What you need: 

Sandwich Essentials


One long loaf of French bread (In paper...not plastic...so the crust is firm!)

½ pound thinly sliced deli roast beef (so thin it almost melts in your mouth)

½ pound thinly sliced cracked turkey breast (the cracked pepper is a tasty touch)

½ pound thinly sliced provolone cheese (Also from the deli. Packaged stuff is too thick)

3 oz. fresh, washed baby spinach

½ cup very, very thinly sliced Vidalia onion (thick slices of onion overwhelm folks)

8 slices crispy (but not overdone) maple-cured bacon

Roasted red peppers (as many or few as you like!)

½ cup fat-free Italian dressing in a bowl (works very well for a B.A. without closing off your major cardiac arteries)

IMPORTANT => One bottle of high-quality beer


Sauce Essentials (Mix and set aside until needed)


½ cup "light" mayo (We use "light," but regular "infarction in a bottle" mayo is fine!)

2 tsp. honey

Dash of fresh ground pepper


What to do:


Mix together the "Sauce Essentials" in a bowl and fridge it till you need it.


Open a beer. Taste it to be sure it's not flat. Place the can in front of the sauce in your fridge.


Cook up that bacon ...so many good things start with pork fat!!


Cut the loaf of French bread in half, then carefully split each half (don't separate the top and bottom, you want to be able open the bread up like a big, tasty book!)


Use a pastry or bar-b-que brush to brush Italian dressing on the bread top. Fat-free Italian is great here!!


Next, open the fridge. Check the beer, to make sure it's still delightfully effervescent. Carefully place the beer back in the fridge. It is a crime to spill an open beer.


Grab your B.A. sauce. Use a spatula to spread the sauce evenly across the bottom halves of your B.A. (*REMINDER: If you're reading this recipe aloud, it sounds better when you stick to the abbreviation!)


Layer the provolone cheese across the bottoms of your B.A., followed by the very thinly sliced Vidalia onion. Pile on the bacon!


It's Popeye time. Give that baby spinach a home on your B.A.!! (...yes, you could use lettuce here...but then it's just another ordinary sandwich.)


Well....here's the beef. If it's very thinly sliced, you can really pile on even layers of hearty flavor!


Now lay on the cracked turkey breast and roasted red peppers. Carefully close your B.A. Sandwich. (You may need to lay the flat of a long bread knife across the filling while you pull the top down. This sucker is stuffed full of goodness and might not close easily!)


Cut each B.A. sandwich half into thirds and arrange on a platter.


Go to the fridge after noticing the beer you opened was not used anywhere in this recipe. No self-respecting B.A. Sandwich eater lets a beer go flat. Take a piece of the B.A. and the beer to the table and stuff yourself silly. Immediately after eating, assume the usual position in your recliner and wait for the calories you just ingested to take full effect.

* * *

Fringeville #93, July 4 2013




The Unanimous Declaration of the
Thirteen United States of America 
 
In Congress, July 4, 1776

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world. 

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and, when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them, and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing, with manly firmness, his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining, in the mean time, exposed to all the dangers of invasions from without and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies, without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the military independent of, and superior to, the civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution and unacknowledged by our laws, giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops  among us;

For protecting them, by a mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states;

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world;

For imposing taxes on us without our consent;

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury;

For transporting us beyond seas, to be tried for pretended offenses;

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries, so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these colonies;

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments;

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow-citizens, taken captive on the high seas, to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrection among us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms; our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in our attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them, from time to time, of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity; and we have conjured them, by the ties of our common kindred, to disavow these usurpations which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too, have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity which denounces our separation, and hold them as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

WE, THEREFORE, the REPRESENTATIVES of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that, as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

JOHN HANCOCK

New Hampshire
JOSIAH BARTLETT,
WM. WHIPPLE,
MATTHEW THORNTON.

Massachusetts Bay
SAML. ADAMS,
JOHN ADAMS,
ROBT. TREAT PAINE,
ELBRIDGE GERRY

Rhode Island
STEP. HOPKINS,
WILLIAM ELLERY.

Connecticut
ROGER SHERMAN,
SAM’EL HUNTINGTON,
WM. WILLIAMS,
OLIVER WOLCOTT.

New York
WM. FLOYD,
PHIL. LIVINGSTON,
FRANS. LEWIS,
LEWIS MORRIS.

New Jersey
RICHD. STOCKTON,
JNO. WITHERSPOON,
FRAS. HOPKINSON,
JOHN HART,
ABRA. CLARK.

Pennsylvania
ROBT. MORRIS
BENJAMIN RUSH,
BENJA. FRANKLIN,
JOHN MORTON,
GEO. CLYMER,
JAS. SMITH,
GEO. TAYLOR,
JAMES WILSON,
GEO. ROSS.

Delaware
CAESAR RODNEY,
GEO. READ,
THO. M’KEAN.

Maryland
SAMUEL CHASE,
WM. PACA,
THOS. STONE,
CHARLES CARROLL
of Carrollton.

Virginia
GEORGE WYTHE,
RICHARD HENRY LEE,
TH. JEFFERSON,
BENJA. HARRISON,
THS. NELSON, JR.,
FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE,
CARTER BRAXTON.

North Carolina
WM. HOOPER,
JOSEPH HEWES,
JOHN PENN.

South Carolina
EDWARD RUTLEDGE,
THOS. HAYWARD, JUNR.,
THOMAS LYNCH, JUNR.,
ARTHUR MIDDLETON.

Georgia
BUTTON GWINNETT,
LYMAN HALL,
GEO. WALTON.

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