Jackson Township, Pennsylvania
There is a 1 mile radius “dead zone” in Jackson Township, Pennsylvania where no birds have been seen in weeks. Birds that do enter the “dead zone” are soon found lifeless on the ground.
“We think it is global warming,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “The end is near, and it is starting in Jackson Township.”
In a rare break with the official line, however, Agriculture Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack isn’t so sure.
“Something is frightening these birds to death. We’ve had a number of them autopsied and the cause of death was confirmed. A local veterinarian did the autopsies. He’s got really tiny little autopsy tables. It’s a painstaking process.”
Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter and FBI director James Comey both dismissed terrorism as the cause of the birdless “dead zone.”
“There’s a perfectly good nuclear reactor in Salem Township," said Carter. "Why would terrorists knock off a few birds when they can turn Northeastern Pennsylvania into a glowing, radiating hell for hundreds of years? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
The President, according to Earnest, remains "deeply concerned" and is convinced climate change is responsible. "And he’s really pissed at the other guys for suggesting otherwise," said Earnest. "Tommy, Ashton, Jimmy: No Swiss Colony cheese trays for Christmas, boys.”
Wikileaks obtained a highly-magnified US CIA satellite picture of the center of the dead zone. “It’s poor quality at that magnification, but we think it explains the avian horror going on in Jackson Township,” said an anonymous source in the Obama Administration.
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